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“FAMILY
MATTERS”
MARRIAGE |
 
WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
“What does a healthy relationships look like? What does it feel like? How do I get one? How will I know if I have one?” These are very important questions and wanting to be involved in a healthy, intimate relationship is a universal
desire. You know you are in a healthy, intimate relationship when you have created an environment where:
I can be me.
You can be you.
We can be us.
I can grow.
You can grow.
We can grow together.
It’s sort of a paradox that a healthy relationship frees me to be myself and yet I don’t know who I am completely because that is a life-long process. Even though you may only have an idea of who you are at this time in your life, you can clearly recognize when you are NOT being allowed the freedom to be you. It is clear that you are being judged, that you are walking on eggs, that you fear making a mistake. In effect, the freedom to be you means that your partner will not interfere with nor judge your process of being and
becoming. You offer your partner the same freedom that you are asking for yourself. You accept your partner and do not use the power of your love to turn him/her into a swan. You do not get caught up in your fantasy of who you want him/her to be, and then concentrate on making that happen. Instead, you focus on who that person really is. That does not mean that changes in personality or actions are undesirable or impossible – it merely means that you begin by accepting who the other person
is. Each couple defines their own relationship built on shared values and interests. First, they must decide on what they each value as individuals and then they can build on those they have in common. Some differences are not important and can either be ignored or worked out. For example, leaving the cap off the toothpaste or not liking church socials can be worked out.
Other differences may be significant and need to be hammered out, if the relationship is be healthy and survive. Examples of critical issues might be, “I don’t want children,” or “I’ll never have any thing to do with your family
again. ”Many experiences are enhanced because the two of you are a couple. Enjoying things together, like a sunset, an evening walk, and a well-prepared meal are good examples of “us” that make a partnership desirable. I am enhanced when I have me – you have you – and we also have
us. A couple grows together by developing mutual goals and working together on ways to achieve them. It is interesting that it’s not the goals that cause the relationship to grow but the journey
itself. Intimacy means that you have a love relationship with another person where you offer, and are offered, validation, understanding, and a sense of being valued intellectually, emotionally, and physically.
A healthy relationship is not a power struggle. The two of you don’t have to think the same way about all things. You don’t have to feel the same about all things to be in a healthy relationship. Also, a healthy relationship is not merely defined by sexual experiences, but it does celebrate sharing and exploring.
When a Couple “Fight” How to Fight and do it Right
Every couple will have “fights.” Hopefully, they aren’t violent but more verbal with words that have a little bite to them; the kind of fights where people puff up and pout around for a while and then it’s over. I have heard some say, “We have been married for (so many years) and never had a
fight. ”Well, some one is not being honest in that deal. I bet you someone just kept their mouth shut and stuffed the feelings down.
If a couple fights right it can be a healthy thing in the long run. It doesn’t feel good at the time but the following tips can
help.
Don’t avoid conflict with the silent treatment.
“Silence is golden” but it can also be “yellow.” Most of the time people will go a long way to avoid a conflict. That is a wise move in many cases, especially when you had nothing to do with causing the conflict and do not have a solution. However, in close relationships conflicts that are buried will usually infect a person’s attitude later. Don’t let the fear of conflict keep you from dealing with things that could hinder
you.
Don’t save “emotional trading stamps. ” Older adults remember the days of green stamps that could be pasted in books and then cashed in for merchandise at a store. Some people would save a lot of books to get something
special.
Some people do that with emotions. They hold things in until one day they become fed up and WHAM; they “cash in” what they’ve been saving up. They dump the whole truckload on
you. If possible, prepare the setting for disagreement. It’s best to select the time to talk and place that would have the least interruptions so both are able to focus on the
issue (s) at hand. Attack the problem, not each other. Here are some things that will help this area.
Back up your accusations or statements with facts.
Stay in the present – complaints over 6 months old is out. Do not make references to relatives or in-laws
Do not make references to your mates appearance
No dramatics
Don’t “throw your feelings” at your spouse. Don’t hurl them like a rock. Instead, inform them of your feelings. Say it straight, clearly, direct. Not devious or general
statements.
Stay on subject. Don’t bring up matters that are irrelevant. You may have to stop and start again if things get too heated or off
track. Offer solutions with criticisms. It’s easy to point fingers and blame others. It takes more thought to come up with constructive and practical
solutions. Never say, “You never” or “You always.” Sweeping, absolute statements exaggerate the problem. Also, watch your
volume. Don’t use criticism to become a comedian. Use humor with care if you are going to use it at all. Before popping off you might ask yourself, “Will this relieve tension or increase
it? ”When you are wrong, admit it. When you are right, shut up. You will win more or your partners’ respect by admitting your failures than by reporting your success.
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