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Setting Boundaries
(articles
to come)
Dealing With
Disaster
HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH DISASTER
Disasters are especially troubling for children. Even if a child is quite a distance from the actual disaster, the media reports can have an adverse impact. Keep in mind that a “disaster” takes on various forms. It can be storms, explosions, divorce, death, moving, etc – anything that traumatizes a child. Keep in mind that the closer or more directly involved the child is with the disaster/trauma the following symptoms will be more intense. Some children regress into younger behaviors such as thumb sucking or bed-wetting. Others may have nightmares or fear sleeping alone. Children may throw more tantrums, or withdraw and become more solitary. School performance is likely to suffer. There are several things parents and others who care for children can do to help alleviate the emotional consequences of trauma.
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Spend more time with them, and allow them to be more dependent (for example, letting your child cling to you more often than usual).
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Provide play experiences to help relieve tension. Children often find it easier to share feelings nonverbally through activities such as drawing.
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Encourage older children to talk about their thoughts and feelings. This helps reduce confusion and anxiety. Use terms they understand. Remind them that you care about them and that their feelings are OK.
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Keep regular schedules for eating, playing and going to bed to help restore a sense of security and normalcy.
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Minimize their exposure to trauma-related news.
When a child shows more serious signs of anxiety and emotional disruption, such as continual and aggressive outbursts, or continued and extreme withdrawal, they may be in need of professional assistance. Most people touched by trauma recover, relying on their own coping skills and support. However, when emotional problems begin to disrupt one’s everyday functioning, it may be time to consult an experienced mental health professional.
The Resiliency of Children
HOW SOME CHILDREN BEAT THE ODDS
How is it that some children are more resilient than others? How can some children (or adults) face so much adversity and appear to come out relatively OK? We’ve all heard some of the horror stories of the experiences people have had as a result of war, racial hatred, domestic violence, and
crime.
Dr. Emmy Werner studied children born in adversity and followed them for decades. She sought to discover the reasons why some beat the odds to be more resilient. She found that resilient children have 4 central characteristics in common.
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An active approach toward solving life’s problems. They did not give up or give in. They faced their problems with a determination to keep going, to preserver.
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A tendency to perceive their experiences constructively. I have often used the illustration of a snake in “Stress” talks. My perception and belief about a snake causes me to react fearfully to its presence. However, if a person encounters a snake and believe they are OK creatures, that they are beneficial, etc their reaction will be more positive than mine. The same with trauma. If it is believed to be the end of the world and that life cannot get better, the effect of the trauma will be worse than if a person believes this is terrible, heartbreaking BUT there is a better life ahead somewhere.
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The ability to gain others’ positive attention. Gaining the attention of others is often the result of the facing the problems head on, not denying them or letting them crush you. For example, I know of children who deal with very bad situations at home but they stay in school. They choose NOT to steal or be involved in vandalism or drugs. They hold their head up and are forthright and honest in their dealings with others. These children get the attention of others who can give them a “leg up” at specific times in their life.
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The ability to use faith to maintain a positive vision of a meaningful life. Many people have relied upon their belief in God and His watchfulness over them for inner strength to deal with things that seem beyond the human ability to endure.
Is it always the parent’s
fault?
PARENTS ARE NOT ALWAYS AT FAULT
Parenting is a tremendous responsibility because it has such an influence on the thinking of children. Consequently, how a child thinks determines behavior, decision-making, and interactions with other people.
It’s interesting that when a child behaves badly, the parents are often blamed immediately, especially if the bad behavior is consistent. Some people automatically think a “Parenting” class is needed so the child can be straightened out.
When a child behaves well, do we just as quickly give parents credit? I don’t know that we do. We probably should send them to some type of “Parenting Awards” class in those cases.
There is no doubt that there are parents who are a bad influence on their children and it would be good if they could learn differently. However, there are many parents who do their very best; they do the right things, and the children STILL choose to behave badly. That is not the parents’ fault! Their hearts are broken even when the child is grown and does stupid stuff! They didn’t raise that kid to act like that!
I really admire a child – young or old – that has grown up in adverse circumstances but still chooses to make good decisions. THEY are the ones that should get the award and applause!
Many of us can think back on the years when our children were younger and think, “ how in the world did our kids turn out so good?” It wasn’t because we possessed any special wisdom; it was because we just “staggered” into doing something right and the grace of God – go figure!
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